By now I’m sure that most of you are aware that my first novel is getting ready to be released on Amazon and….I’m scared to death!!! – I’M SCARED TO DEATH, PEOPLE!
Yes, I’m so excited that I couldn’t begin to express it. I have dreamed of being a novelist since I was a little girl. Really! You know how kids will play house or play school? Well, I used to play, “Writer.” I’d take notebooks and write out dramatic stories and then pretend that they were books which people would check out of the library or order from a catalog. (Yes, catalog. I was raised pre-internet.)
I’ve always been an avid writer. I can remember being the only one in high school who couldn’t wait until term papers were assigned. All of the research and writing excited me! I started writing songs when I was very young and have never stopped doing that. I keep journals everywhere—EVERYWHERE—so many notebooks containing random thoughts, insights, poems, stories. I’ve told my husband and children that, in the event of my passing, to never throw away any pieces of paper without first checking it to see if I’ve written anything on it. Seriously, I may have a problem.
So, I am genuinely excited to see the release of my first novel on the market for people to read and, hopefully, enjoy. But, I’m also really-really nervous. I expected the excitement, but not the fear—not the nightmares of failing or becoming the topic of ridicule, not the tears of anxiety because of the thoughts of “what if.”
All of those things are lies that come from the enemy of my soul, the enemy of my success. I realize that. But, I also realize that those awful things wouldn’t be coming to me at all if I wasn’t doing anything at all. I believe the battle for my peace that is currently being waged is proof that I’m on the right path. And, I will not allow myself to be blinded to that truth by any amount of apprehension.
“For God hath not
given us the spirit of fear;
but of power, and of love,
and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)
I’ve come to see just how much this dream means to me as a result of this gamut of emotions that I’m going through right now. I’ve come to realize just how embedded into my heart, my soul, it is.
A friend of mine, to whom I was expressing how I feel, told me that it’s like giving birth and then letting go of your baby, and it kind of is. I mean, this is something that I’ve carried inside of myself, spent hours and hours (and hours and hours—days, months, years) raising and cultivating to the point of…release.
Another friend, who proofread the manuscript, called and told me, “You’re brave.” I asked why, and she said, “Because you’re making yourself so vulnerable.”
Vulnerable.
Exposed.
Excited and afraid…….
That’s how I feel today. That’s how I hope I feel every day for the rest of my life! I think it’s the only way for dreams to come true.
How about you, do you have any thoughts you’d like to share? If so, please leave a comment below and…
Let’s Grow Together!
2 thoughts on “I’m Scared To Death, People!”
I think I can relate to how you feel. Or some of it. Years ago, we had a friend who wrote songs. Kind of the southern rock genre. For years, he would pick and play for us when we got together. He was good. Then he decided to make a bid to be allowed to entertain publicly. Long story short, he was told that his voice might make it, but he did not have the right look. He was offered a decent amount of money for one of his songs that all of us loved and knew by heart. The deal was foe a total relinquishment, which he could not do. He tried to make arrangements that would allow them to use the song, but he still owned it. They said no. People thought he was unwise to turn down the money, but I always thought I could understand some of why he just could not completely let go. After all, we encourage our children to grow away from us to spread their wings, etc., but in the long run they are still ours too.
Yes, Dee Dee, that’s it! We want to see our babies go out into the world and succeed, but letting go is the hardest part. It’s funny that I’m just now thinking about how I will be “letting go” of this baby when I release it, with no control over what will ultimately happen. But, God knows! And, that is where I am resting. Thank you for your comment, it was spot on perfect…just like you, my sweet friend! ❤️